Heart Healing For A Better Tomorrow

Energetic Healing | Embodied Awakening | Conscious Relating

This is 8/8 guest posts by Sair Gryphon chronicling her reflections on experiencing The Dark Goddess Spiral transformational journey. 

Dark Goddess Spiral 8/8 - Participant JournalDARK GODDESS RISING

Session 8 we explored the seventh/crown chakra (connection to the universe, pure consciousness) and the archetype/goddess #Kali

Kali is perhaps the most fearsome and horrific of all goddesses. She is the most powerful form of ‘Shakti’ (the dynamic forces that move through the universe ie the primordial cosmic energy).

In appearance she’s black (often depicted as deep blue) with multiple arms, and with red eyes that blaze with intoxicating rage. Her tongue lolls out ready to lap up the blood of her enemies (whom she slays without mercy). If she wears clothes at all she prefers a skirt of human arms matched poetically with a garland of human heads.

Yet she also has a beautiful form, Kali Ma, mother of the universe. Somehow she’s simultaneously the most loving and kind of all the Hindu goddesses (this is a mystery, don’t try to understand by logic!).

The word ‘Kali’ is the feminine form of ‘time’ in Sanskrit and conveys ‘fullness of time’. When *your* time is up in any life area, Kali brings much needed destruction, and rips your life apart. Ultimately she rips ‘you’ apart (the false you, the personhood you cling to) so that the magnificence of your true identity can shine forth.

This makes Kali, for perhaps most of us, both the kindest goddess we ever experienced, *and* the one we’re fleeing from as fast as our legs can carry us, screaming out our lungs.

But you can’t outrun Kali. Dark Goddess Spiral 8/8 - Participant Journal

You might want to return to my first Dark Goddess sharing for Kali Durga’s legend, which has her ‘aspect of Kali’ emerging out of her third eye in an insane rage to basically … decimate existence: https://chriscstewart.com/dgs-1-sair-journal/


The ‘root clear’ process was around:
*Emptiness – the wound
*Rage – the shadow
*Surrender – the challenge
*Awakening – the gift

Each week I’ve had a sense of movement in my various bodies (physical, mental, emotional, energetic, spiritual) as old material has arisen, been felt, and been released. This has included diverse experiences inside and out of each session like:

*my entire body constricting with rage
*screaming in terror
*weeping floods of tears
*laughing loud with joy
*coughing and retching and shaking and my somatic body unwinding itself out of old traumas
*tingles and rushes of energy
*meaningful dreams
*gripping epiphanies
*deepening awareness including in blind spots
*deepening compassion for myself and others

We all cherish our hoped-for desires, dreams, and projections. For me this has long been ‘the dream of perfect intimate relationship’ (which updated to be ‘relationships’ when I transitioned from monogamy to polyamory … what a journey that was!). Somehow I believed in my bones that if I experienced such a thing it would bring me lasting happiness, and great fulfillment.

I projected this dream (and the way I imagined it looked) onto various partners, and couldn’t admit to myself with clarity whether they shared it or not. I also projected ‘blame and badness’ onto those partners who decided not to pursue such a dream or not to pursue it with me.

Now I see that they weren’t that different from me – they just had different cherished desires / dreams / projections / fears / favourite-sufferings.

But then I was sure that their ‘problem’ was that they didn’t have the same dream as me. And they needed to mature / grow / change / transform / something-something to become like me.

Whenever a partner said no to my dream or didn’t show up perfectly (or receive me perfectly) I felt the hellish pain of my inner emptiness. Yes, deeper than my bones there was an emptiness, a void that could never be filled. Whenever I touched upon this I felt deeply ashamed. I was (unconsciously and then more consciously) sure that if anyone was to experience this emptiness in me, they would run screaming … because it meant that I was worthless, defective, and unlovable.

I’ve experienced partners run screaming (and my worst fears coming true). I’ve also experienced partners attuning to me with loving compassion in some of my empty-terrified-wounded moments.

But neither response from a partner was what I craved.

When they ran from me, my emptiness threatened to consume me. Rage arose with devouring force, yelling obscenities (I usually turned this inwards and ate myself up with self-hate, or attempted to dissociate from it through numbing behaviours, but there have also been moments when I’ve turned it outwards against others).

When they gave to me in a moment of emptiness, it was NEVER ENOUGH. Something in me was insatiable, and always demanded more. Some partners (depending on their conditioning) experienced this as needy, shameful, demanding, disgusting, and terrifying. No wonder they judged, criticised, shut down, or fled!

I myself have experienced this same kind of emptiness in others as sometimes extremely triggering over my relational journey (depending on how my conditioning interacted with a particular partner). I remember that I judged them, told them off, shut down, withdrew, and punished them in subtle ways, seeking to control their behaviour to be less terrifying for me (I felt angry or disdainful … but deeper down, I felt terrified).

Somehow by grace, over time, with the repetition of various learning experiences, through deep suffering … Kali taught me (and teaches me) what I needed to know. She brought destruction: suicidality, breakups, chronic illness, depression, emotional storms I couldn’t control, financial scarcity, and breakdowns (all at different points on my journey, and all perfectly needed).

Each time I learned to #surrender into what was happening (which most often felt like *dying*), somehow the pain eased, and the process got easier. I experienced more and more of Kali Ma’s generous kindness and loving embrace. She only killed ‘me’ to bring out more of the true me. She always made me stronger. She always opened me up to being able to receive (and give) more true love.

But when I resisted her, I suffered terribly. Some suffering felt unbearable, and the more I resisted the more unbearable it became.

Over time I learned to surrender to Kali more and more willingly. The result was growth processes that resolved quickly, more and more ‘aliveness’ in my life, more peace, more joy, more trust in existence. Knowing myself as my own true home. Experiencing myself as Love itself, and as the Beloved that I’d mistakenly sought in partners.

This is a kind of awakening, a series of awakening moments.

And ultimately Kali is leading me and us all to #Awakening itself. By this I refer to the truth of who we are, the one who is ‘hiding in the void of emptiness’ who is more us than any personhood-disguise we wear.

If you have curiosity, if what I’ve said rings some strange deep chord within you, and you feel led by Kali in this moment, check out this youtube video by one who knows awakening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpKuma30VYk

It’s a good question. Most of us are addicted to controlling our lives, and seeking to control everyone else’s. Dark Goddess Spiral 8/8 - Participant Journal We do this to try and be safe – an understandable mistake. But it never makes us safe. It always creates psychological suffering for ourselves and others.

If you don’t believe me, just go on trying to control life and see what happens …

Surrender is a practice that we get better at, the more we practice it in daily life. If you’re struggling to get a sense of the how-to, you could check out this Eckhart Tolle video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPLzfITVLEc

Surrender is simultaneously a grace that miraculously arises. Dark Goddess Spiral 8/8 - Participant Journal

Surrender is simultaneously ‘forced upon us’ if we keep not-surrendering. The suffering that arises from ‘not-surrendering’ builds up to truly unbearable-feeling levels. This forces us to learn how to surrender. This is Kali’s divine grace in everyday action!

I don’t have as much to say in this final sharing, but what I have to say fills me with joy.

I can tell you that Kali has destroyed ‘me’ time and again, and I bow down before her and kiss her feet for this. Nobody has given me more than the one who has killed the multitude of false ‘mes’.

I pray to Kali to kill all of these false ‘mes’ until only Truth remains. I pray to her to do this for all beings who resonate, whose Kali-time has come. I pray to her to keep so-mercifully destroying all of us who cling to our illusions … and I don’t have to pray, because this is her nature and the nature of human reality.

Kali destroys our illusions whether we run screaming or lie down beneath her feet and open up our heart. You can’t outrun Kali.

What a fucking beautiful nightmare!

THE END … (and after Kali’s end … there’s *always* a new, more life-full beginning).

(PS. Over 8 weeks I’ve been doing the Dark Goddess Spiral workshop series with Chris C Stewart and sharing my journey in exchange for a scholarship place. If you’ve joined me on this journey, thank you: My heart is warmed. If you’d like to talk with me about my sharings, feel free to post comments on my facebook posts or send a personal message. ~ Sair Gryphon).

[Image sourced at https://www.artstation.com/artwork/El5rq]


Heart Healing